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Nearest nip-slip... worst wax-job... sickest spit swap... and a mortifying snub of that dead actress: KENNEDY reveals the REAL awards for Hollywood's most humiliating night

This was one of the most boring, inconsequential Oscars' ceremonies in recent memory. So, halfway through the slog I decided to spice things up with some categories of my own.

There were some real ear-bleeders from Doja Cat's awful rendition of 'Diamonds Are Forever' to Camille's mortifying indulgence to Oscar's host Conan O'Brien's – sadly, floppy – comedic opening number. Indeed, I assumed Conan was going to save this stinker, but things got gory fast as he popped out of a slit in actress Demi Moore's meat sack of a body in a vile nod to her movie 'The Substance.' As Adrien Brody walked to the stage to accept his Best Actor award for his role in 'The Brutalist,' he suddenly stopped – spit his chewing gum into his hand – and tossed it to his partner, Harvey Weinstein-ex, Georgina Chapman.

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